Humor Selections for Jan 18th, 2010

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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Actual Accident Summaries

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.

  • Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
  • I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Coming home from his Little League game...

..., Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson...

... one morning when he had made her coffee.  She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Stray dogs are commuting to and from a city center...

... on underground trains in search of food scraps. 

[]The clever canines board the Tube each morning. After a hard day scavenging and begging on the streets, they hop back on the train and return to the suburbs where they spend the night. Experts studying the dogs say they even work together to make sure they get off at the right stop - after learning to judge the length of time they need to spend on the train. The mutts choose the quietest carriages at the front and back of the train.

They have also developed tactics to hustle humans into giving them more food on the streets of Moscow .

Scientists believe the phenomenon began after the Soviet Union collapsed in the 1990s, and Russia 's new capitalists moved industrial complexes from the city center to the suburbs. Dr Andrei Poiarkov, of the Moscow Ecology and Evolution Institute, said: "These complexes were used by homeless dogs as shelters, so the dogs had to move together with their houses.

[]Because the best scavenging for food is in the city center, the dogs had to learn how to travel on the subway - to get to the center in the morning, then back home in the evening, just like people."


Dr. Poiarkov told how the dogs like to play during their daily commute. He said: "They jump on the train seconds before the doors shut, risking their tails getting jammed. They do it for fun. And sometimes they fall asleep and get off at the wrong stop."

The dogs have learned to use traffic lights to cross the road safely, said Dr Poiarkov. And they use cunning tactics to obtain tasty morsels of shawarma, a kebab-like snack popular in Moscow.

[]They sneak up behind people eating shawarmas - then bark loudly to shock them into dropping their food. With children the dogs "play cute" by putting their heads on youngsters' knees and staring pleadingly into their eyes to win sympathy - and scraps. Dr Poiarkov added: "Dogs are surprisingly good psychologists."

The Moscow mutts are not the first animals to use public transport. In 2006 a Jack Russell in Dunnington, North Yorks, began taking the bus to his local pub in search of sausages.

And two years ago passengers in Wolverhampton were stunned when a white cat called Macavity started catching the 331 bus to a fish and chip shop.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Jan 15th Humor Page