Humor Selections for June 12th, 2009

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To achieve high efficiency and safety standards...

... the new guidelines pertaining to pipe are as follows:

  1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
  2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
  3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
  4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
  5. All pipe should be supplied without rust, this can be readily applied at the job site. Note; some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is a recommended thing, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
  6. All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
  7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.
  8. All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
  9. Flanges must be used on all pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
  10. When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
  11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
  12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
  13. All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
  14. Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air, however, need only to be air tight.
  15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes, however.
  16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: Conduit, Tube, Tunnel and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
  17. Scottish regiments in the Army use Army Pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?
  • Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect!
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  • Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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10 ways you know you are a Geek
  • When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
  • You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
  • Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
  • You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
  • You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
  • You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
  • You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
  • At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
  • After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
  • Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street.

Immediately a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Music Machine - Download Video

This incredible machine was built as a collaborative effort between the Robert M. Trammell Music Conservatory and the Sharon Wick School of Engineering at the University of Iowa. Amazingly, 97% of the machines components came from John Deere Industries and Irrigation Equipment of Bancroft, Iowa ... Yes, farm equipment!

It took the team a combined 13,029 hours of setting-up, alignment, calibration, and tuning before filming this video but as you can see it was WELL worth the effort.

It is now on display in the Matthew Gerhard Alumni Hall at the University and is already slated to be donated to the Smithsonian.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

Note:  The machine shown in this video clip doesn't exist.  It's a very good example of a computer-animated music video. Please visit the following Snopes web page for a full explanation: 

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This inhumane practice is abhorrent to all right thinking individuals. As you see from this photo we must stop this terrible behavior. Protect the environment. Please Help Ban Fox Hunting

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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June 10th Humor Page