Humor Selections for July 22nd, 2009

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This is a quiz for people who know everything! 

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

  1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
  4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
  5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
  6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
  7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
  8. Name t he only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
  9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

  1. Boxing
  2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
  3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
  4. Strawberry.
  5. It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season . When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
  6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
  7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
  8. Lettuce..
  9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Submitted by Kathy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Trivia - Take 14
  • Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes."
  • The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
  • The word "toast," meaning a proposal of health, originated in Rome, where an actual bit of spiced, burned bread was dropped into wine to improve the drink's flavor, absorb its sediment, and thus make it more healthful.
  • The word "bookkeeper" is the only word in the English language with three back-to-back double letter combinations.
  • There is a town in Sweden called "A" and a town in France called "Y."
  • What is called a "French kiss" in England and America is known as an "English kiss" in France.
  • The dot on top of the letter "i" is called a "tittle." "Tittle" is Latin for something very small.
  • The shortest verse in the Bible consists of two words: "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)
  • The letter "o" is the oldest letter. It has not changed in shape since its adoption in the Phoenician alphabet, circa 1,300 B.C.
  • The letter "b" took its present form from a symbol used in Egyptian hieroglyphics to represent a house.
  • When used by an ornithologist, the word "lore" refers to the space between a bird's eye and its bill.
  • The longest English word consisting entirely of consonants (and not including"y" as a vowel) is the word "crwth" which is from the fourteenth century and means crowd.
  • The most common name in the world is Muhammed.
  • The most common street name in the U.S. is Second Street.
  • Henry Ford experimented with soy. Many of the meals served in his home consisted of his soy creations.
  • The French national anthem, "La Marseillaise," derived its title from the enthusiasm of the men of Marseilles, France, who sang it when they marched into Paris at the outset of the French Revolution. Rouget de l'Isle, its composer, was an artillery officer. According to his account, he fell asleep at a harpsichord and dreamt the words and the music. Upon waking, he remembered the entire piece from his dream and immediately wrote it down.
  • A law passed in Nebraska in 1912 really set down some hard rules of the road. Drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, then wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares.
  • Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time.
  • In 1500 B.C. in Egypt a shaved head was considered the ultimate in feminine beauty. Egyptian women removed every hair from their heads with special gold tweezers and polished their scalps to a high sheen with buffing cloths.
  • In ancient China and certain parts of India, mouse meat was considered a great delicacy.
  • In ancient Greece, where the mouse was sacred to Apollo, mice were sometimes devoured by temple priests.
  • In 1400 B.C. it was the fashion among rich Egyptian women to place a large cone of scented grease on top of their heads and keep it there all day. As the day wore on, the grease melted and dripped down over their bodies, covering their skin with an oily, glistening sheen and bathing their clothes in fragrance.
  • In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You Know that Your Summer Vacation is Bad when...
  • The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
  • First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
  • Your favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
  • The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer house guest.
  • Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
  • Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
  • Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
  • You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front.
  • The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
  • You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt congressional district...

... was asked about his attitude toward whiskey.

The politician responded, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."

He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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July 20th Humor Page