Humor Selections for Feb 9th, 2009

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A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Pope.

There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

Submitted by Sr. Wink, Yonkers, NY.

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Dumb Things Radio and Television Newsreaders Said
  • "The body was found with its arms and legs dismembered, tied in a sack and floating in the bay. I’ll be back with more sports in a moment."
  • "White Sox Mark Buherle finished signing a new four year contract today. What team will he be playing for? Details at Five"
  • "Remember white sands and sunny beaches in beautiful Bermuda. But remember when you fly to Bermuda, be sure you take a plane."
  • "The congressman was ill and reports are that the illness was caused by his—DEATH! We tried to reach him, but his office said that he was away for a while on a little vacation.(off mike) Who the hell typed this damned thing?"
  • At a county fair in Arkansas: "Well while we are waiting for the main event to start, I better tell you about some other things that have been happenin’ around here, too. Now Charlie Haymaker, he’s from Hickory Grove R.D.---he had his nuts on display on the counter just beyond the center aisle."
  • Now on ‘Want-ads of the air’ we have this advertisement from Springdale. There is a man down there who wants a man to take care of a kennel of dachshunds. He must speak German."
  • Here is a lead-in for John Cameron Swayzee and the news: "Here is John Soloman Quazie and the news."
  • Cleaners ad: "Ladies who come in and drop off their clothes will receive prompt attention."
  • "In the wonder world of sports comes word that Yogi Berra, great Yankee catcher was hit in the head by a pitched ball. Yogi was taken to Fordham Hospital for x-rays of the head. The x-rays showed nothing."
  • "Good morning ladies, we are going to prepare a dish that is easy to do and is guaranteed to please your husband, and it’s called Fricken Chickasee. Oh, I beg your pardon, that’s Chicken Frickasee."
  • A bulletin that a group of dogs got loose from a dogcatcher’s wagon and raced crazily through the fields of a well-known tobacco plantation. "Friends, does your cigarette taste different lately?"
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A group of redneck friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Bubba?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bubba laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!"

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Talk about a brave pig! - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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2009 animal funnies - Take 1




Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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