Humor Selections for Feb 16th, 2009

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A prominent University of Wisconsin, Madison, professor...

.... once had a speaking engagement in Milwaukee.  Since it was a short drive and the weather was nice he drove over for the day.

On completion of his talk he took a cab to the Badger Bus depot and took a bus back home, an appropriate routine for an absent-minded professor.

Upon arrival at his home, his long-suffering wife asked where the car was.

The light dawned at that moment.

He called another cab to take him back to the bus and, ultimately, Milwaukee and his stranded car. 

Upon arrival at the bus station he promptly bought a round trip ticket.  (Think about it)

Submitted by current Emmitsburg Mayor Jim!

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A man, 82 and a woman, 79 met in a retirement home, soon becoming firm friends.

Within a short while it was more than friendship, and after consulting with their families it was announced that they would soon be married. Relatives and friends were thrilled, and arrangements commenced.

The couple then went to the local pharmacist, and asked him certain questions. “Can you help with gout?”

“Yes”, was the reply.

“Good. How about incontinence?”

“Of course”.

“Arthritis? Asthma?...” and the list went on, each time he agreed he could help.

Finally, the pharmacist said, “Excuse me asking, but it sounds as though you’ve both got a lot wrong with you. I’m happy to help, but you should go to see a doctor.”

“Oh, no, it’s not like that,” the both chorused, “you see, we’re getting married soon, and we want to be able to put our preferred gifts and supplier on the invitations.”

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Right before Valentine day, my four year old granddaughter...

.... was looking forward to her dinner date with her daddy. As I was helping her get ready, she was chatting away about what they were going to do. "First we have to go shopping"

I asked her why, what did she need. And she said "

"I think I'm going to ask daddy to go to the mall"

I said honey, I don't think you need anything from the mall, but if you want, maybe you and your daddy can pick out a box of valentine cards to send to your friends.

She looks me in eyes, and very seriously says, "Grandmom, Valentine Day is coming up, and I NEED jewelry!"

Submitted by Lyndal, Bear De.

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Two hamburgers walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

  • This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
  • A sea anemone floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner." The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies, "With anemone like that, who needs friends?"
  • A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the bartender a twenty and the bartender went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the register. The second bartender whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, short-change him." The first bartender brings the bear $10 in change. A little while later the bartender starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer I sure won't be back again....

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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We go to this winery quite often. It's about 40k NE of here.

This was taken at a wedding, the dinner was finished before they realized the flames were now only about 2k away, traveling fast.  A hasty retreat by all, except management who stayed and helped put it out.

So fat, the death toll is climbing towards 100, property loss 10,000 dwellings and barns, 6% of the state burnt (Victoria is about the same size as Texas, I understand), and about 30 fires still burning out of control. Cooler Easterly winds have helped the 2000+ firefighters contain some of these.

We're enveloped in smoke.

Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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