Humor Selections for August 7th, 2009

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Why I fired my secretary ...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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Advantages Of Being A Woman
  • If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
  • We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her behind.
  • If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
  • We never have to reach down every so often to make sure we're still there.
  • If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  • We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  • We have the ability to dress ourselves.
  • If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
  • Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
  • There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  • We'll never regret piercing our ears.
  • We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  • We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
  • We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

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Only a Golfer Would Understand

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course,

and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please?"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement:

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled,

"Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.....

"Would the a*&^%#$%e with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot?!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Politics Quotes
  • "A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar." H. L. Mencken
  • "Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties." George Clooney
  • "Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material." Dave Letterman
  • "Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living." P. J. ORourke
  • "Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary." Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." Ronald Reagan

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Union Loafers! -  Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Sunset at the North Pole


Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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