Humor Selections for August 5th, 2009


     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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E-mail us at: humor@emmitsburg.net


 
You know you're a redneck jedi when..
  • You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."
  • You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
  • Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
  • You have ever used your light sabre to open a bottle of Bud Light.
  • At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
  • You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
  • The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
  • Wookiees are offended by your B.O.
  • You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
  • You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
  • You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defence electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.
  • You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
  • You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
  • You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
  • You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
  • You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
  • You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
  • Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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On Golf ...
  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks
  • Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
  • If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
  • The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
  • A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement Between two golfers ..neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
  • Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Women Quotes

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone". Lenny Bruce

"I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine." Mel Gibson

"I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against." David Niven

"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money." Edgar Watson Howe

"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both." Samuel Butler

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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How to give a pill to a cat...

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either of side of catís mouth and gently apply pressure to cheek while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Pull spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold catís head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouseís armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force catís mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie catís front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force catís mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to hospital; sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat.

Submitted by Sheryll, Auckland, New Zealand.
 

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British School Answering Machine - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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August 3rd Humor Page