Humor Selections for August 3rd, 2009

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Basic rules for dogs who have a yard to protect
  • Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
  • Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
  • Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
  • Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
  • Holes: Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
  • Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
  • The art of sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
  • Dining etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
  • Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
  • Going for walks: Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
  • Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
  • Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
  • Chasing cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
  • Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. a shoe.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel.

Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy sez, "Yeah," and hops in. The driver asks "What about your camel?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He sez to the guy, "Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?

The guy replies, "Yeah it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. He sez to the guy, "Your camel is still there."

The guy replies, "Really it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drives for a bit, look's behind him, then looks at the guy and says, "Hey buddy your camel, he's looking pretty rough."

The guy replies, "Oh yeah? What's he doing?"

The driver sez, "Well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out."

The guy replies, "His tongue is hanging out? Which side?"

The driver sez, "The left side."

The guy replies, "You'd better hold your course... he's fixin to pass ya!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification?"

He replied, without hesitation "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don?' buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A blonde Hollywood agent named Sally was speaking to her psychiatrist.

"I'm on the road a lot," said Sally, "and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

"Don't you have a cell phone to use in your car?" asked the pscyhiatrist.

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing," answered Sally, "I put a mailbox in my car."

"Uh ... how's that working?" asked the good doctor.

"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," said a dejected Sally.

"And why do you think that is?" asked the doc.

"Well," replied Sally, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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All in the Perspective

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."

"Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?"

"Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant."

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