Humor Selections for August 26th, 2009

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Some wonderful English signs from around the world

  • Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
  • In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
  • On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
  • On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
  • In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
  • In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
  • Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • A sign posted in Germany's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
  • Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine ...

... when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass? he asked one man.

We don't have any money for food, the poor man replied.

Oh, well, you can come with me to my house, instructed the lawyer.

But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!

Bring them along! replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: You come with us, too.

But, sir, I have a wife and six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied: Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the Grass is almost a foot tall!

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.

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Brain teasers that will make you groan ...
  1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
  2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
  3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
  4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
  5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
  6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.


  1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
  2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
  3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
  4. The answer is Charcoal.
  5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
  6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing.

Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

Submitted by Mike, Broomfield, Co.

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Simple tips for a long, healthy, happy life
  • Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height.
  • Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably family members that fill that need.
  • Keep learning. Learn more about computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the brain be idle.
  • Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all you can afford. When they are in college, that is all you can afford. When they are grown, and you are on retirement, that is all you can afford.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked to your distinctive laughter.
  • The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.
  • Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
  • Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond
  • what you can improve, get help.
  • Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
  • Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

Remember, life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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August 21st Humor Page