Humor Selections for August 21st, 2009

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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife...

... with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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One liners ...
  • "Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter."
  • "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
  • "If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim."
  • "Does not enable user to fly" - Warning on Batman cape
  • "I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street." "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
  • "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
  • "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
  • "The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people."
  • "Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
  • "An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field."
  • Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything."
  • Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a isn't so hot.
  • "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."
  • "If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • "The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
  • "According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
  • In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • "Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The 10 Best Caddy Replies
  1. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the Lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
  2. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
  3. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes Sir. you miss the ball much closer now."
  4. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."
  5. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."
  6. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's a distraction."
    Caddy: "It's not a watch, it's a compass."
  7. Golfer: "How do you like my game so far?"
    Caddy: "Very good sir, but peersonally, I prefer golf!"
  8. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
    Caddy: "The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."
  9. Golfer: "This is the worst course I have ever played on."
    Caddy: "This is'nt the golf course, we left that an hour ago!"
  10. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

 Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.

His buddies asked, "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave?"

Dave replied: Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown

my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go

fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So I Did and Here I Am!

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Not fit to print







Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!

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August 19th Humor Page