Humor Selections for August 19th, 2009

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A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.

At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank.

The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Funny puns
  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
  • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  • A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
  • He wears glasses during math because it improves division.
  • Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
  •  It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  • Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
  • When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."
Submitted by Bruce, Cold harbor, Ill.

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A blond, driving along in her new sports car...

... suddenly cuts in front of a tandem-trailer, making the driver stamp on the brakes to avoid an accident. He roared past her, pulled up in front of the sports, and stormed out of the cab. "Did you see what you did back there?" He roared. You cut me off. You nearly caused me to ram right into you. What have you got to say to that, eh!"

"Me? Oh, my, I'd never do a thing like that. I'm a good driver."

"Oh yeah? Well, watch this." He took a piece of chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road near the rig. "Now you stand in this circle, see, and you DO NOT MOVE. Got it?"

"Sure," says the blond, and stands in the ring.

The driver grabs a crowbar from the truck and smashes the windscreen on the sports.

Turning round, he yells "There. That'll…" But he can't continue, as the blond is giggling, then laughing out loud at his expression.

Taking no lip, he smashes the other windows; again she's laughing fit to kill. So he attacks the bodywork and soon the car's a wreck. "Look what you made me do," he screams at her. "Your car's a wreck. What do you say to that?"

Still giggling, she says, "Oh you didn't see me, but I was jumping out of the circle when you weren't looking."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Excuses, excuses...

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favourites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Express way was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Guys and Beer - Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY

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