Humor Selections for May 14th, 2008


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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Todayís youth are getting the opportunity to vote in their very first national election.

Here are some tips to help them:

  • There are two political parties that dominate the electoral process, known as Democratic and Republican. Parties that you used to go to at Rocky Topís Bar, is not part of the current political scene.
  • You vote by ballot at a polling place, you donít have to raise your hand and ask, "may I?" to get a ballot. If you are registered, they will let you have one.
  • * Girls, only one person at a time in a voting booth. This isnít the ladies room. There is no mirror in there.
  • Instead of a listed candidate for an office, you can write-in your own choice. Just make sure it isnít a rap starís name from Harlem, or a deejay from Malibu that you put in as a joke. The listed candidates are funny enough.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to memorize the listing of candidates before you vote. This isnít a civics or constitution test. It isnít a test of your intelligence unless you voted for a cartoon character from an old Disney movie. Then they know that you havenít any intelligence.
  • Some voting booths have "touch screens" to electronically register your choices. But it isnít a video game and donít search for "Monsters from Nara" or "Batmanís Fantasy Shootout" on a side screen.
  • Donít call the elderly election judge "pops". Nobody has done that since 1940. Also, the poll watchers outside are not spies from China.
  • No cussing at the candidates names when you are in the voting booth. You should have done all of your cussing before you arrived and during the campaign. Itís only after the election is over is when you finally realize that you voted in imbeciles.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
 

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 70

"I don't know if you're aware of this. We just passed a big milestone yesterday. True story. Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Yeah, to celebrate, today, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner that said 'Economic Recession Over.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the latest CNN poll, President Bush's disapproval rating is 71%. 71%. That's unbelievable, isn't it? That 29% still approve? Who are these people?" --Jay Leno

"In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. That's right. Yeah, Mugabe said he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. Apparently, it's a good idea." --Conan O'Brien

"Because of where John McCain was born, he was born in the Panama Canal Zone, you know, not in the United States. There was a question as to whether he could legally become president. You have to be born here to become president. Well, this week, the Senate declared McCain is eligible to become president, and listen to this, because of his age, also eligible to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. So that worked out great for him." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Hillary, I don't know if you've seen this. One of the most popular videos on You Tube right now is footage of Hillary Clinton trying to make herself is a cup of coffee, but not being able to get the machine to work. Yeah, when he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, she's not very good at turning things on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A federal study released today shows that President Bush's $1 billion-a-year 'Reading First' program has done nothing to increase the reading skills of young students. However, his 'Oil Company First' program is going like gangbusters." --Jay Leno
 

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Molly... the heroic pony

[]Iíve written articles over the years about horses who survived amputation surgery. There was Boitron, the California Thoroughbred stallion who could service mares after amputation surgery. There were Dr. Ric Reddens dramatic cases of founder survivors who galloped around his paddock on artificial feet with "transplanted frogs". Dr. Chris Colles had the never-say-die Appaloosa in England with the spring-loaded foot. And who can forget that paint yearling in India ? Or the landmine-maimed elephant amputee in Thailand ? Longtime Hoofcare and Lameness Journal readers will remember them all.

So when I first heard that a pony had survived amputation surgery at Louisiana State University s (LSU) equine hospital, I didnt run to the keyboard and beg for photos. A few weeks later I did, though.

Meet Molly. Shes a gray speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners when Katrina hit southern Louisiana . She spent weeks on her own before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier, and almost died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected and her vet went to LSU for help. But LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that goes.

But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, he changed his mind. He saw how the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight, and didnt overload her good leg. She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.

Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee and a temporary artificial limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins there.

This was the right horse and the right owner," Moore insists. Molly happened to be a one-in-a-million patient. Shes tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood (that) she was in trouble. The other important factor, according to Moore , is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.

[]Mollys story turns into a parable for life in post-Katrina Louisiana . The little pony gained weight, her mane felt a comb. A human prosthesis designer built her a leg.

The prosthetic has given Molly a whole new life, Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet, reports. And she asks for it! She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take it off too." And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca. It can be pretty bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse, she laughs.

Most important of all, Molly has a job now. Kay, the rescue farm owner, started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope. Wherever Molly went, she showed people her pluck. She inspired people. And she had a good time doing it.

Its obvious to me that Molly had a bigger role to play in life, Moore said, She survived the hurricane, she survived a horrible injury, and now she is giving hope to others.

She's not back to normal, Barca concluded. She's going to be better. To me, she could be a symbol for New Orleans itself.

[]This week, Molly the Pony, a childrens book about the pony who has already inspired thousands of people around New Orleans , has been published.

Its not a book about amputation or prosthetics, its a book about people and ponies. But the photos you see here are from the book.

Maybe Molly wont make the vet textbooks, but she might reach more people from the pages of this book for children. If you know a child, a library, a hospital, or maybe a therapeutic riding program that can use a lift, heres a book that can do that. And you can explain how the leg and hoof work!

HOW TO ORDER: This book is an oversized, square "laminated" (so it wipes clean) hard cover book. Hoofcare Publishing is proud to offer it for sale to you at the price of $15.95 each plus $6 post. A portion of the sales price will go toward Molly's fund. To order, send check or money to Hoofcare Books, 19 Harbor Loop, Gloucester MA 01930 . Telephone orders to ( USA ) 978 281 3222. Fax orders to ( USA ) 978 283 8775. Email orders to books@hoofcare.com. Visa or Mastercard accepted; please supply account number and expiration date. When ordering, please give phone and/or email details.

You will LOVE this book--and Molly!

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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