Humor Selections for May 12th, 2008

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A teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia, way back in 2006,

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A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said...

..., "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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How to tell if your local gas station is crooked.
  • The Pump has three grades, regular, hi-test and water.
  • The price changes every hour
  • The owner has a telescope fixed on the price sign on the competitor down the street.
  • He has only eight nozzles. Two don't work, two are missing the nozzle, two the credit card slot don't work, two are pay first only and all of them are out of regular.
  • The owner cannot speak English.
  • The air hose never works, in fact it deflates tires instead. Next to it are coupons to the Firestone store.
  • His tow truck is always being sent out to a car who recently filled up there.
  • Only one of the two registers inside work. The other one is always being audited.
  • There is never enough windshield fluid in the buckets, or the squeegee is missing, or there is only one bucket for the entire station.
  • They sell more lottery tickets and cigarettes than gas.
  • The owner only stays at the station for an hour each day. The rest of the time he is at the track.
  • You see the inside attendants laughing through the window and pointing at you as you fill up.
  • The gas delivery truck has the name of an indicted politician on the door as operator.
  • The driveway has more chuckholes than a Afghan airfield.
  • The giant American flag is flown right next to the price sign. They are the only things being regularly kept up at the station on a regular basis.
  • The attendant is the fifth new face that you have seen there this week.
  • The car wash is open with forty cars in line. By the time you get there, it is closed or broken down.
  • The car wash is famous for glistening windows, spotless tire cleaning and a gouge in your fender.
  • 19. They keep a supply of old broken glass bottles to spread around the air hose area, next to the tire bay.
  • They offer a free pork and beans special in the restaurant if you fill up with eight gallons.
  • When questioned about their higher prices, they always point to the competitor down the street, and he points back to the competitor across the street, and he points to his competitor across the street, and he points......and the last guy always points to the Arabs. Not my fault, mon!

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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The IRS decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and urinate all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A ex-wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on the pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited A few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, asking how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she signed the papers that day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.


Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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What a ship....

15,000 containers and a 207' beam!  And look at the crew-size for a ship longer than a US aircraft carrier which has a complement of 5,000 men and officers.

Think it's big enough? Notice that 207' beam means it was NOT designed for the Panama or Suez Canal.
It is strictly transpacific. Check out the cruise speed: 31 knots means the goods arrive 4 days before the typical container ship (18-20 knots) on a China-to-California run.  So this behemoth is hugely competitive carrying perishable goods.

This ship was built in three, or perhaps as many as five sections. The sections floated together and then were welded.  The ship is named Emma Maersk. The command bridge is higher than a 10-story building and has 11 crane rigs that can operate simultaneously.

Additional info:

  • Country of origin - Denmark

  • Length - 1,302 ft

  • Width - 207 ft

  • Net cargo - 123,200 tons

  • Engine - 14 in-line cylinders diesel engine (110,000 BHP)

  • Cruise Speed - 31 knots, Cargo capacity - 15,000 TEU (1 TEU = 20 ft3 container)

  • Crew - 13 people First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006 Construction cost - US $145,000,000+

  • Silicone painting applied to the ship bottom reduces water resistance and saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year.

Submited by Fomer Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.

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