Humor Selections for June 9th, 2008

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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Totally useless facts to bore your friends with...
  • Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
  • The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
  • Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  • Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
  • The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
  • Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
  • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
  • The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.
  • 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .
  • To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
  • Reindeer like to eat bananas.
  • The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
  • Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
  • The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
  • More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.
  • A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
  • When you sneeze, air and particles travel through the nostrils at speeds over100 mph. During this time, all bodily functions stop, including your heart, contributing to the impossibility of keeping one's eyes open during a sneeze.
  • Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%
  • In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.
  • A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
  • Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.
  • The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end they would circle the world nine times.
  • The pop you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas burning.
  • A literal translation of a standard traffic sign in China: "Give large space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
  • You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
  • Larry Lewis ran the 100-yard dash in 17.8 seconds in 1969, thereby setting a new world's record for runners in the 100-years-or-older class. He was 101.
  • In a lifetime the average human produces enough quarts of spit to fill 2 swimming pools.
  • It's against the law to doze off under a hair dryer in Florida/against the law to slap an old friend on the back in Georgia/against the law to play hopscotch on a Sunday in Missouri.
  • Barbie's measurements, if she were life-size, would be 39-29-33.
  • The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30ft.

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Strange Animal Laws
  • It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
  • Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
  • In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
  • In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
  • In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
  • In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
  • In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
  • In Arizona, the bullfrog hunting season is permanently closed.
  • In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
  • French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
  • Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
  • Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
  • In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.
  • It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
  • Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.
  • Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
  • In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
  • In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter. 
  • You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.
  • In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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It's Time to Get a New Lawyer When ...
  • The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
  • During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
  • He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
  • He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
  • During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
  • Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
  • He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
  • Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
  • Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
  • He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
  • He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
  • He begins closing arguments with, "As Denny Crane once said..."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.

Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Human Resources is monitoring your computer - Download Power Point Presentation

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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What's a hungry catfish to do for chow--now?

We been notified by two readers, John and Steve that the following story is a hoax.  The fist is in fact a whale shark. To read the real story behind it visit:

Huadu is a district with a large city of the same name in China. Each year, a few people drowned mysteriously in Huadu's Furong Reservoir.  It was not until recently when the son of a certain official went swimming in the reservoir with his friend and drowned, that the secret was unraveled!

It's a 3 meter long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 meter wide! After cutting up the catfish people were surprised to find the remains of a man inside! Because this was a huge incident, and the local government was afraid of the impact on local tourism, they imposed an embargo on the news, but people came away with these pictures taken on their cell phones of the man-eating fish!

Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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June 6th Humor Page