Humor Selections for June 6th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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There's a man trying to cross the street.

As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and stops next to the man.

The driver rolls down the window. It's a squirrel.

It says, "Not as easy as it looks is it."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 73

"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing very well... only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Gentle thoughts for today...
  • When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  • A penny saved is a government oversight.
  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
  • because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
  • For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  • Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'
  • Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
  • The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  • Some people try to turn back their odometers.
  • Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
  • I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
  • You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
  • One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
  • Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
  • First you forget names, then you forget faces.
  • Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
  • Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church

..., and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

"Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say

'Bridge Out'?

Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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There is a reason why some things are done outdoors ... Download Video

and why some things are not for the do it yourselfers.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Woman swallowed whole by leopard

I thought it was one of those fake emails too, until I saw the photo below. Somehow the woman was lodged in the leopard's throat and they finally cut the leopard's head off to let the woman escape. She was unharmed…. Unbelievable!!


Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY .... I Know, I Know ... this really should be listed as a Groaner!

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June 4th Humor Page