Humor Selections for July 23rd, 2008

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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion...

..., multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what a happened. 

“Well, it was like this,’ said the man.  “I was having a quite round of golf with my wife when a at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows has something white in its rear end.” 

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the gold ball with my wife’s monogram on it … stuck right in the middle of the Cow’s butt.  That’s when I made my mistake.” 

‘What did you do?” asks the doctor. 

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like Yours!”

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Comments overhead at a retirement community ...
  • I don't know in what suit you left your teeth.
  • I forgot, what was the food that I ordered here a few minutes ago?
  • This is my son. It's amazing that he looks so much like you. What pills does he take?
  • How much do we tip the waitress--a quarter or thirty-five cents?
  • There are ten of us. Can we all have separate checks?
  • I will never come back to this place again, they couldn't remember what I like and what I had here last time.
  • I don't like ketchup on my food. Take the bottle away.
  • I can't remember which of my debit cards actually has any money left in it.
  • Would you like to see the scars of my last operation?
  • I am sorry, I wasn't sure if I supposed to be here today or yesterday, so I came both times.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds
  • A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
  • 7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
  • 7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
  • 7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
  • 7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
  • 7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
  • 7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
  • 7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
  • 7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
  • 7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

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The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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In a class on abnormal psychology..

... the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Another great Budweiser commercial - Download Video

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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July 21st Humor Page