Humor Selections for Jan 7th, 2008

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Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: 'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure because...

  • In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
  • In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
  • In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
  • In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
  • In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
  • In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
  • In the US they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed

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The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and...

... as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another...

... and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says,

"My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.

Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Oh, how we love words. These are some... strange definitions.

Read them slowly... some may take a second or two to sink in.

  • EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
  • HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
  • LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
  • MISTY: How golfers create divots.
  • PARADOX: Two physicians.
  • PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
  • PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
  • POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
  • PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from the couch in front of the TV.
  • RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
  • RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
  • SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

And our favorite:

  • SUDAFED: Litigation brought against a government official
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Talk about a lucky guy...

Look at the picture above and you can see where this guy broke through the guardrail, right side where
the people are standing on the road (pointing). The pick-up was traveling from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which he  was traveling.

Now look at the 2nd picture below...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Jan 4th Humor Page