Humor Selections for Jan 4th, 2008

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An old country preacher had a teenage son ...

... and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

  • a Bible,
  • a silver dollar, and
  • a bottle of whiskey.

 "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

  • Don't change horses - until they stop running.
  • Strike while the - bug is close.
  • It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of - termites.
  • You can lead a horse to water but - How?
  • Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
  • No news is - impossible
  • A miss is as good as a - Mr.
  • You can't teach an old dog new - Math
  • If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust - Me.
  • The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
  • An idle mind is - the best way to relax
  • Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
  • Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is - not much.
  • Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
  • Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
  • Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
  • You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box
  • When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
  • A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Let the Groaning begin!

  • I went into a pet shop, and asked "can I buy a goldfish?" The man in the shop said "do you want an aquarium?" I said, I don't care what star sign it is!"
  • I met a man today who told me that he invented the crossword puzzle. I can't remember his name, but it was P something T something R!
  • I telephoned the local ramblers club today, and the person that answered the phone just went on and on and on and on!
  • I told my wife that there was a job going at the local bowling alley. "Tenpin?" she asked. "No" I replied, "I think it's full time."
  • I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said "nearest the bull goes first". He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" .... He said "you're the closest!"
  • I rang the local gym, and asked whether they could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" they asked ...... "Well I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays"

And finally ...

  •  I asked the railway booking clerk for a train ticket to Paris. "Eurostar?" he asked ......"Well, I've been on tv, but I'm no Frank Sinatra!"
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day ...

... and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Honda Physics video - This is just way TOO cool a video. You have to see it to believe it (but be sure to first read the text intro below).

If you thought that the people who set up a room full of dominoes to have them knocked over later was amazing, you haven't seen anything yet..

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in these images. Everything that you see happened in real time exactly as you see it..

The recording required 606 takes and in the first 605 takes there always was something, usually of minor importance, that didn't work. It was necessary for the recording team to install the set-up time after time and it took several weeks working day and night to achieve this effect.

The recording cost 6 million dollars and it took 3 months to finish, including the engineering design of the sequence.

The duration of the video is only 2 minutes, but every time that Honda shows the commercial on British television, they make enough money to support any of us for the rest of our lives. However, this commercial has turned out to be the most displayed in the history of the Internet.

Honda execs think that it will pay for itself simply because of the free showings (Honda is not paying one cent for you to see it) When Honda senior execs viewed it, they immediately approved it without hesitation-including costs.

There are only six Honda Accords built by hand in the whole world, and to the horror of Honda engineers, the recording team disassembled two of them for the recording.

Everything you see in the sequence (besides the walls, floor, ramp and untouched Honda Accord) is part of those two automobiles. The voice is that of Garrison Keiller. The commercial was so well received by Honda execs when they saw it, that their first comment was how amazing the computer graphics were. They almost fell out of their chairs when told that the recording was real without any graphics manipulation.

By the way, about the wind shield wipers in the new Honda Accords, they are sensitive to water and designed to start working as soon as they get wet.

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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  • Always be nice to others because . . . Time will make a difference


    One day, you may not be the  'Big Dog'!  Just the old dog !!

  • Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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    Jan 2nd Humor Page