Humor Selections for Jan 28th, 2008

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A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog.

A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said: "NO!"

Then the girl went shopping, dancing, and traveling. She drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, went anywhere she wanted and didn't have to call home, never had pointless arguments, ate lots of ice cream, watched anything she wanted on TV, had many lovers ... or not, and didn't share her money with anyone. She had all the hot water to herself and the whole bed too. She didn't have to listen to snoring or farting or

burping. . .phew! She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her butt, and never cried or yelled simply out of frustration. She read all those books by her bed and she sat in the sun and drank iced tea. She felt fabulous in sweat pants and wore them until they fell apart. She smiled and laughed and was pleasant all the time!

And ... the girl lived happily forever-after.

The End

Submitted by my Little Sister Anna, Merion, Pa.

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Pondering the Imponderable
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The Doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.  The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up on to the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia."Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the Doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.  The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

"The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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Worker's Reality
  • Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  • "One 'Oh Spit' wipes out years of 'Atta Boys'" are words to live by.
  • You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
  • Appearance is more important than substance.
  • Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
  • There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it.
  • Art involves a white board and dry markers.
  • The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why.
  • Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
  • Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem.
  • You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but "satisfactory" is the highest level on the documented performance rating.

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Pictures from the last space shuttle mission

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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Jan 25th Humor Page