Humor Selections for Jan 23rd, 2008

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The Commanding Officer of a Marine Corps Regiment...

... was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir, began the PFC, "if there was ANY work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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Ten Ways to Becoming a Better Equestrian
  • 1Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Instead, shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
  • Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll into a ball and spring lithely to your feet.
  • Learn to grab your checkbook and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
  • Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
  • Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
  • Hone your fibbing skills: "See, moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "No, really, I'm glad YOUR LUCKY PERFORMANCE and multi-million dollar horse won the class. I am just thankful that MY HARD WORK and actual ability won me second place."
  • Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
  • Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen . . .
  • Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience. This is a learning experience. This is . . ."

And the Number One Exercise to Become a Better Equestrian:

  • Remember, its never the horse's fault...*
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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You know you're Italian when . . . .
  • You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
  • You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
  • Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
  • You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
  • You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners
  • You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
  • If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
  • There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
  • You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . .

  • Your grandfather had a fig tree.
  • You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
  • Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
  • Your mom's meatballs are the best.
  • You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
  • Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
  • You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
  • You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
  • You 've called someone a "mamaluke."
  • And you understand "bada bing".
Submitted by former Emmitsburg mayor Ed.

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I was recently riding with a friend of mine.

We were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" He tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, "Why'd you do that?" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.

We come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, "Why'd You Do That?!"

He replied, "You never know, my brother could be coming the other way."

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, PA.

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Why give it up now?

Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Jan 21st Humor Page