Humor Selections for April 7th, 2008


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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests and finds himself in a private room at the hospital. The phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious virus."

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Not a chance! It's the only food we can get under the door."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life...

... an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the cityís stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Hereís a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didnít much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The manís many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzyís suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So thatís the ugly so-and-so heís runniní around with."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night...

... the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends."

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."

"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
 

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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."
 

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An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting...

... in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the

ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the

ceiling.

His answer was succinct...

"Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."
 

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I wonder if they come in different colors?
  • I wonder about the fragrance?
  • I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
  • I wonder if they bloom?
  • I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
  • I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
  • I wonder if they come long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd. in Fishers (Indianapolis). The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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