Humor Selections for Oct 15th, 2007

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A young blonde man volunteered for military service during World War II.

Despite being blonde, he had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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The Nose-Picking Glossary
  • The Kiddie Pick: When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
  • Camouflaged Kiddie Pick: When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
  • Fake Nose Scratch: When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
  • Making A Meal Out Of It: You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
  • Surprise Pickings: When a sneeze or laugh causes a booger to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
  • Autopick: The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. NOTE: Someone is always looking.
  • Pick Your Brains: Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
  • Pick And Save: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the booger so they don't catch on to what you did.
  • Pick And Roll: No explanation needed.
  • Pick And Flick: Ditto.
  • Pick And Stick: You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
  • Paydirt: The kind where you remove a booger so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

(Who thinks these thing up? - Mike)

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Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist.

Once, he found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.

These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.

Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded.

Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free.

In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it.

We've all heard the song before.

It starts out, "Start spreading the Gnus..."

The title of the song was, of course, "New Ark, New Ark."

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A female humpback whale had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

  • People will forget what you said .......
  • People will forget what you did .......
  • But people will never forget how you made them feel.
Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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Marriage one liners ...
  • It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man.
  • They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either.
  • He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding, he plans to quit his job.
  • After the wedding ceremony was over, a little girl asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
  • They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But, he finally decided to let her go.
  • He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."

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If this reminds you of your job ... it's time to get a new one ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Oct 12th Humor Page