Humor Selections for May 9th, 2007

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The Iraq version of why the Chicken Cross the Road...
  • Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
  • KBR: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
  • Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
  • US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
  • Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
  • 1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.
  • Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
  • Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
  • Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
  • U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.
  • Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.
  • John Kerry: "The chicken crossed the road before it did not"
  • Baghdad Bob: The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!
  • USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit thought, it's impressive footage..."

Submitted by soon to be home Sergeant Chris

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A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour ...

...when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.

"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left! , I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life."

"And then you show up and drink the damn poison"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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10 dumbest resume blunders - By Anne Fisher, Fortune senior writer

You've worked hard on your resume, trying to squeeze all your experience in and make yourself stand out from the crowd, and chances are you've done a pretty good job. But even if your resume isn't perfect, it's unlikely to include any real howlers.

Not everybody can say that. Job site recently asked pollsters Harris Interactive to survey hiring managers and find out the wackiest resume items they've seen lately. Out of 2,627 responses, here are the top ten:

A job candidate...

  1. ... attached a letter from her mother.
  2. ... used pale blue paper with teddy bears printed around the border.
  3. .. explained a three-month gap in employment by saying that he was getting over the death of his cat.
  4. ... specified that his availability to work Fridays, Saturdays, or Sundays is limited because the weekends are "drinking time."
  5. ... included a picture of herself in a cheerleading uniform.
  6. ... drew a picture of a car on the outside of the envelope and said the car would be a gift to the hiring manager.
  7. ... listed hobbies that included sitting on a levee at night watching alligators.
  8. ... mentioned the fact that her sister had once won a strawberry-eating contest.
  9. ... stated that he works well in the nude.
  10. ... explained an arrest record by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."

Also submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 42

"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno

"Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart

"We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno

"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman

"The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read...

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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The playwright Charles MacArthur had been brought to Hollywood to do a screenplay...

... but was finding it difficult to write visual jokes. "What's the problem?" asked Charlie Chaplin.

"How, for example, could I make a fat lady, walking down Fifth Avenue, slip on a banana peel and still get a laugh? It's been done a million times," said MacArthur. "What's the best way to GET the laugh? Do I show first the banana peel, then the fat lady approaching, then she slips? Or do I show the fat lady first, then the banana peel, and THEN she slips?"

"Neither," said Chaplin without a moment's hesitation. "You show the fat lady approaching; then you show the banana peel; then you show the fat lady and the banana peel together; then she steps OVER the banana peel and disappears down a manhole."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Clever Ads ... Take 3

Fitness on the Bus

Karate School

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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May 7th Humor Page