Humor Selections for May 7th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
  • If your e-mail address ends in "".
  • If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page".
  • If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop".
  • If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson".
  • If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
  • If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT".
  • If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
  • If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her.
  • If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
  • If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin".
  • If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star.
  • If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya'll" or "Hey Bubba".

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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The Modern Child's ABC of Social Graces - by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
  • Acceptance: What you receive from the right people, and give in return.
  • Boredom: A common malady caught only from lesser folk.
  • Charity: The art of subtle giving to those you feel need it.
  • Distinction: The difference between you and lesser mortals.
  • Ethics: The knowledge of what you can ignore and what it's best to own up to.
  • Friends: Everyone except family who ignores your mistakes.
  • Gratitude: That which you deserve for being alive.
  • Happiness: Like love*, but less troublesome. * (see below)
  • Intuition: The ability to sense that someone is holding out on you.
  • Jackass: Anyone whose behaviour goes not gel with your current mood. (see below)
  • Kindness: What every good person should show you at all times.
  • Love: Sometimes hard to understand and to hold on to, but always deserved.
  • Mood: Things that everyone has, and which, when bad you have to be charitable about to your fellows, when good have to be shared. All types are reciprocal.
  • Nerves: That which only cowards reveal, hence giving you advantage.
  • Overture: An attempt to start something deemed worthy. Well practiced, it can advance ones immediate cause without problem; done poorly, may allow others their overtures on you.
  • Profit: The gain you make. Opposed to loss, which only others should. Quality: A relative term used to help the gain you make.
  • Rapport: A condition involving Ethics, Friends, and Intuition. Useful in determining the quality of others, hence the profit you can make from them.
  • Scheme: Anything you and your friends think of. Second-hand schemes are like once chewed toffee.
  • Terminate: To end something. Used by those in control. Make your aim to be one.
  • Uncomfortable: Anything that makes you sore until you get used to it.
  • Veracity: An old word that meant truth, but now may be used to distort it.
  • Willing: That which adults will try to make you learn to be, so you can be like them. The opposite of independent.
  • Xcitement: An antidote to boredom. Surprisingly, best taken in small doses.
  • Yearning: A rare and strange feeling that can beset one when some of the above is in short supply.
  • Zip: That quality of speed which enables you to reach the goal without noticing the journey or the people. Antidote to care or consideration.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy ...

... arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding." One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Employee's Lingo
  • I'm Extremely Adept at All Manner of Office Organization: I've used Microsoft Office.
  • I'm Honest, Hard-working and Dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
  • My Pertinent Work Experience Includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
  • I Take Pride in My Work: I blame others for my mistakes.
  • I'm Personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
  • I'm Extremely Professional: I carry a Day-Timer.
  • I Am Adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
  • I Am On the Go: I'm never at my desk.
  • I'm Highly Motivated to Succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk & Honey...

...  where the streets are paved with gold. Black gold that is.. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of Cheddar cheese from the man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!!

Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you," he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.

"No, the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling.......


Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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Sometimes you need a good woman

Also submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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May 4th Humor Page