|What Women Want in a Man
- Financially successful
- A caring listener
- In good shape
- Dresses with style
- Appreciates finer things
- Full of thoughtful surprises
- An imaginative, romantic lover
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
- Nice looking
- Opens car doors, holds chairs
- Has enough money for a nice dinner
- Listens more than talks
- Laughs at my jokes
- Carries bags of groceries with ease
- Owns at least one tie
- Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
- Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
- Seeks romance at least once a week
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
- Not too ugly
- Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
- Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
- Nods head when I'm talking
- Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
- Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
- Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
- Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
- Remembers to put the toilet seat down
- Shaves most weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
- Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
- Doesn't belch or scratch in public
- Doesn't borrow money too often
- Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
- Doesn't retell the same joke too ma ny times
- Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
- Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
- Appreciates a good TV dinner
- Remembers your name on occasion
- Shaves some weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)
- Doesn't scare small children
- Remembers where bathroom is
- Doesn't require much money for upkeep
- Only snores lightly when asleep
- Remembers why he's laughing
- Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
- Usually wears some clothes
- Likes soft foods
- Remembers where he left his teeth
- Remembers that it's the weekend
Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.
- Doesn't miss the toilet.
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|Kids' Views About the Sea
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
- Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
- If you are surrounded by sea, you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My
brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
- I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
- I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant,
so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves
into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
- On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Julie age
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Sayings, My Little
|Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 44
"It looks like the Senate and the
president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals.
The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher
"Part of this new immigration bill requires the head of the household to be sent home. He has to go back to his home country. Some people say this would be cruel to
take a hardworking person working for the American dream and send them home. But, hey, 'American Idol' does it every week." --Jay Leno
"The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here." --Jay
"They killed the Taliban's top commander in Afghanistan. ... You know, it's going to be nice for Saddam Hussein to have help shoveling coal into the furnace of Hell."
"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when
he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien
"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains
why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers
"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after
being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler
"Happy TGIF! Do you know what TGIF stands for? ... The Greencard Is Five Grand." --Jay Leno
"Toyota introduced a luxury hybrid car that costs $125,000. The luxury hybrid is perfect for the person who wants to be environmentally conscious, but still wants to
look like a selfish a-hole." --Conan O'Brien
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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My Little Sister's Jokes,
|Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for
so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"
Mike-Mike.""Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike-it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little
bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young
Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"I've just seen the team sheet and you're playing Tuesday."
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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About Aging, My Little
|Mr. Jacobson, a miserly businessman, decided to take a week off ...
the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
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|Redneck Style Home Repair Projects ... Download Slide Show
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL
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You Might be a redneck if...
A little rain doesn't spoil the fishing...
You carry your front porch with you...
You need fashion tips from your husband...
You wear a shirt like this for your engagement picture...
Your wedding picture looked like this..
And your wedding cake looked like this...
Your mailbox looks like this..
Your doghouse looks like this...
Your pickup looks like this...
You have a deer's butt for a door bell...
You don't need a lake to do a little skiing...
Or if your wife is quoted in the local paper saying...
Also submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.
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May 25th Humor Page