Humor Selections for May 25th, 2007

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You know you are an Okie if......
  • The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon.
  • You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".
  • You use the word "tornado" as a verb.
  • You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."
  • You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.
  • You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean.
  • You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.
  • Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.
  • The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.
  • You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"
  • You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.
  • There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.
  • You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.
  • You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd" tornado.
  • You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.
  • You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Gary .
  • When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.
  • Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.
  • You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore . And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.
  • You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.
  • You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 20mph.
  • You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch. (Especially if you're the one who's visiting the other state.)
  • Your school has tornado drills. And you assumed that schools in every other state had them as well.
  • There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.
  • You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.
  • You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.
  • The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.
  • Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.
  • It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.
  • Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter excites you or numbers among your favorite childhood memories.
  • You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.
  • Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.
  • You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.
  • You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.
  • When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the rolled over and went back to sleep.
  • You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin.
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Good Housekeeping
  • Fingerprints on glasses can be explained to guests by your continued fascination with Cluedo.
  • Dust on furniture is not really dust, but the latest in UV protection.
  • The get-well cards on the sideboard attest to your inability in recent days to attend to tidying.
  • Your daughter's studying of psychology has led to the pet hairs on the couch. She is noting your reactions.
  • Lipstick on cups has been left so cup and guest can be properly matched on the next visit.
  • The same reading matter is in the toilet area to help you feel 'at home'.
  • The party pies were so popular with previous guests you've served them once more. And you always find it better to buy in bulk, don't you?
  • Ashtrays are left full to remind everyone what a disgusting habit it is.
  • Pictures on the walls are at an angle to give a 21st century touch.
  • The Christmas lights are still hanging in an effort to break traditional habits.
  • Your current hobby is sculpting with beer cans. Yes, you're working toward the Guggenheim.
  • Guests are welcome to sample the historic collection of books. TV week on the left, good housekeeping on the right.
  • Isn't the light shining through the children's artwork on the window dirt is so clever?
  • You are SO proud of your home. Please come again.
Submitted by its Author Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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If Microsoft made toasters:

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster Vista would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances. If they couldn't prove that they were purchased legitimately then they would no longer work. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters:

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant ...

...operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

  • Broiled Missionary: $10.00
  • Fried Explorer: $15.00
  • Grilled Republican: $20.00
  • Baked Democrat: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat ?'

The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap it takes all morning to get them clean enough to cook.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Beer me - Download Video

Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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There have been only three men known to have walked on water...

The first was Jesus of Nazareth. The second was The Apostle Peter. The third is this guy....... Jose' somebody.....

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL.

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May 23rd Humor Page