Humor Selections for August 31st, 2007

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New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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Things You Should Know but Probably Don't:
  • US Dollars are not made out of paper, they are made out of cotton.
  • The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
  • The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle."
  • A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
  • 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
  • 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
  • Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
  • Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
  • Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
  • Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
  • Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
  • Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (Hence, multitasking was invented.)
  • Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
  • There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
  • The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
  • There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
  • Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
  • A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
  • The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
  • If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 , you also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know).
  • By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
  • The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
  • Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
  • Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
  • The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
  • Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the Book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Editors note: You know you've been running a humor site too long whey you recognize the third re-incarnation of the same joke for a new candidate ...

The presidential nominating process

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said,

"Sir, there is a one hour wait, and I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked,

"Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed.

The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh... 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A - r - e     y - o - u - r     p - e - o - p - l - e      g - o - i - n - g    t - o    n - o - m - i - n - a - t - e  
H - i - l - l - a - r - y ?"

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, FL

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You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
  • the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
  • when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
  • opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. a member of the church requests to be buried in his4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
  • the choir is known as the "OK Chorale". in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
  • Baptism is referred to as "branding". high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
  • people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
  • the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
  • instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
  • the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink". "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
  • the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear".

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe ...

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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How long do you think this coach went on about this call???  Download video

Also submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Just clean cartoons



Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Aug 27th Humor Page