Humor Selections for April 11th, 2007

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Three blondes die in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon ...

... they're at the pearly gates of Heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter if they can answer one simple, religious question: "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and thanks God for their blessings."

"Wrong!" St. Peter shakes his head in disgust. "I'm sorry; you must go to the other place!"

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in dismay, and tells her she's wrong, too. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter. "Do tell." So, she begins: "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with great relief. But the third blonde continued...

"Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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You Know You're In Trouble When ...
  • Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
  • Your suggestion box starts ticking.
  • Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
  • You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
  • The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
  • People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
  • You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
  • The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.

It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we

got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 39

"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher

"Sunday is April Fools' Day. Earlier today, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs." --David Letterman

"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno

"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher

"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman

"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher

"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno

"None of this has stopped the merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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 21st century observations - Take 2
  • TV news: a case of the bland leading the bland
  • The gramophone was patented on May 4, 1886. Things have been going round faster ever since.
  • The way gas prices are going, we'll soon have to resort to hot air balloon travel, courtesy of Capitol Hill.
  • Atolls: Submergent.
  • There's only one way out of the debt crisis: Plunder the rich countries. Sorry, that's been done.
  • So many de-salination plants are now operating that we'll soon be able to swim and not sink.
  • We can drink polar ice caps faster than they can melt.
  • Baby boomers are so called because of the noise they make.
  • Bacon said Knowledge is Power. He didn't foresee 21st century politics.
  • Investment opportunity: Retirement homes for tatts. Also known as inker-care.
  • The after-life is now recycling.
  • Genetic engineering has at last perfected a hybrid human/plant capable of making its own oxygen. A real symbiotic miracle, naming rights are being auctioned.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Pictures Taken at Just the Right Angle

Also submitted by Dory, Pitsburgh, PA.

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April 9th Humor Page