Humor Selections for April 9th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.
When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we'd like to see just how you do it."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch.

So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares.  So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken.  He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself.

Then he understood why...

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words: Psycho-the-rapist

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola Florida

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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said ...

... "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.... In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber, there were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those witches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Marriage Quotes

  • Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
  • Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
  • Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  • Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
  • Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
  • Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
  • Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
  • Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
  • Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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New Haircut

Women's version:

  • Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
  • Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
  • Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
  • Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
  • Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
  • Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

  • Man2: Haircut?
  • Man1: Yeah.

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How do you know when ...
  • Your barbecue is at the right temperature? It catches fire
  • Your cat is obese? It gets stuck in the enlarged cat flap.
  • You're dead? You can hear Inland Revenue coming.
  • You're on a diet? Leftovers never smelled so good.
  • You owe the bank five figures? They offer you a credit card increase
  • Your partner cares for you? They smile when they call you stupid
  • A child is in trouble? Their first word is "Um…."
  • You're educated? You read instead of watching TV
  • You need a shower? The cat avoids you.
  • You're overseas? You can understand more of what's said than at home
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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And to think the hens did it all themselves!

Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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April 6th Humor Page