Humor Selections for September 22nd, 2006

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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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Deep Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep
  • Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
  • Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job?
  • If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?
  • If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters?
  • If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it?
  • If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?
  • What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'?
  • What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  • Why can't pigs look up into the sky?
  • Why do pigs have curly tails?
  • Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?
  • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?
  • Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it?
  • Would a small pig be called a hamlet?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.

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Good Dog ... Another Bud Lite video you'll not see on TV.  Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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