Humor Selections for September 15th, 2006

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An American walks into a Pub in Dublin.

At the bar are seated two older men who appear as if they had been there all day. The American orders a pint for himself and for the two men. After the beer arrives, the American strikes up a conversation with the two men. He asks them where they work, they reply "at the brewery" that's great! the American says. You make good beer. Then the American asks, how many people work there?

The two Irishmen look at each other, shrug their shoulders and answer... "about a third"

Submitted by Ted, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $5 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Answers teachers can't help but laugh at...
  • Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find north America.
    Maria: Here it is.
    Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    Class: Maria.
  • Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
     John: You told me to do it without using tables.
  • Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    Glenn: K-r-o-k-o-d-i-a-l"
    Teacher: No, that's wrong
    Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
  • Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
     Donald: h I j k l m n o. Teacher:
    What are you talking about?
    Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
  • Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    Winnie: Me!
  • Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
  • Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    Millie: I is...
    Teacher: No, Millie..... always say, "I am."
    Millie: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
  • Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
  • Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
     Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
  • Teacher: Clyde, your composition on "my dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.  Did you copy his?
    Clyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
  • Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Harold: A teacher
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble ...

Her business has gone bust and he's in dire financial straits. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my Business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, She prays, "God, why haven't You listened to me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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My Cubical ... Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Cat's Know the difference ...

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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