Humor Selections for September 11th, 2006

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In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments ...

... that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.


"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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New Time Sheet Task Codes ...

Dear Valued Staff Member

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observation of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.

Many Thanks
Finance Dept.

Extended Task Code List Explanation:

  • 5000 Surfing the Net.
  • 5001 Read/Writing social E-Mail
  • 5002 Sharing social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #504)
  • 5003 Collecting jokes and other humorous material via E-Mail
  • 5004 Forwarding jokes and other humorous materials via E-Mail
  • 5005 Faxing jokes and other humorous material to friends not on E-Mail
  • 5316 Meeting
  • 5317 Obstructing communications at meeting
  • 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in meeting
  • 5319 Waiting for break
  • 5320 Waiting for lunch
  • 5321 Waiting for end of day
  • 5322 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker
  • 5323 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker while co-worker is not present
  • 5393 Covering for incompetence of co-worker friend
  • 5400 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is stupid
  • 5401 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who is not interested in learning
  • 5402 Trying to explain concept to co-worker who hates me
  • 5481 Buying snack
  • 5482 Eating snack
  • 5500 Filling out time sheet
  • 5501 Inventing time sheet entries
  • 5502 Waiting for something to happen
  • 5503 Scratching oneself
  • 5504 Sleeping
  • 5505 Feeling bored
  • 5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)
  • 5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)
  • 5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)
  • 5603 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)
  • 5604 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)
  • 5605 Bitching about personal problems
  • 5610 Searching for new job
  • 5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching
  • 5701 Not actually present at job
  • 5702 Suffering from eight hour flu
  • 6102 Ordering out
  • 6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive
  • 6104 Taking it easy while digesting food
  • 6200 Using company resources for personal profit
  • 6201 Stealing company goods
  • 6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying company goods
  • 6203 Using company phone to make long distance personal calls
  • 6206 Gossiping
  • 6207 Planning a social event
  • 6210 Feeling sorry for myself
  • 6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching
  • 6222 Pretending to enjoy my job
  • 6223 Pretending I like my co-workers
  • 6224 Pretending I like important people when in reality they're jerks
  • 6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasizing
  • 6601 Running my own business on company time
  • 6602 Complaining
  • 6603 Writing a book on company time
  • 6604 Planning a holiday on company time
  • 6611 Staring into space
  • 6612 Staring at computer screen
  • 6613 Transcendental meditation
  • 7281 Extended trip to bathroom (at least 10 Min.)
  • 7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone
  • 7401 Talking with plumber on phone
  • 7402 Talking with dentist on phone
  • 7403 Talking with doctor on phone
  • 7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
  • 7405 Talking with house painter on phone
  • 7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone
  • 7407 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone
  • 7408 Talking with mistress/toy boy on phone (see code #7400)
  • 7931 asking co-worker to aid in an illicit activity
  • 8000 Recreational drug use

Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

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Smart Ass Answers ...
  • A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
  • The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
  • A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Two Thousand One, Nine Eleven

Two thousand one, nine eleven
Three thousand plus arrive in heaven
As they pass through the gate,
Thousands more appear in wait
A bearded man with stovepipe hat
Steps forward saying, "Lets sit, lets chat"

They settle down in seats of clouds
A man named Martin shouts out proud
"I have a dream!" and once he did
The Newcomer said, "Your dream still lives."

Groups of soldiers in blue and gray
Others in khaki, and green then say
"We're from Bull Run, Yorktown, the Maine"
The Newcomer said, "You died not in vain."

From a man on sticks one could hear
"The only thing we have to fear.
The Newcomer said, "We know the rest,
Trust us sir, we've passed that test."

"Courage doesn't hide in caves
You can't bury freedom, in a grave,"
The Newcomers had heard this voice before
A distinct Yankees twang from Hyannisport shores

A silence fell within the mist
Somehow the Newcomer knew that this
Meant time had come for her to say
What was in the hearts of the five thousand plus that day

"Back on Earth, we wrote reports,
Watched our children play in sports
Worked our gardens, sang our songs
Went to church and clipped coupons
We smiled, we laughed, we cried, we fought
Unlike you, great we're not"

The tall man in the stovepipe hat
Stood and said, "Don't talk like that!
Look at your country, look and see
You died for freedom, just like me"

Then, before them all appeared a scene
Of rubbled streets and twisted beams
Death, destruction, smoke and dust
And people working just 'cause they must

Hauling ash, lifting stones,
Knee deep in hell, but not alone
"Look! Blackman, Whiteman, Brownman, Yellowman
Side by side helping their fellow man!"

So said Martin, as he watched the scene
"Even from nightmares, can be born a dream."

Down below three firemen raised
The colors high into ashen haze
The soldiers above had seen it before
On Iwo Jima back in '45

The man on sticks studied everything closely
Then shared his perceptions on what he saw mostly
"I see pain, I see tears,
I see sorrow -- but I don't see fear."

"You left behind husbands and wives
Daughters and sons and so many lives
Are suffering now because of this wrong
But look very closely. You're not really gone.

All of those people, even those who've never met you
All of their lives, they'll never forget you
Don't you see what has happened?
Don't you see what you've done?
You've brought them together, together as one.

With that the man in the stovepipe hat said
"Take my hand," and from there he led
Three thousand plus heroes, Newcomers to heaven
On this day, two thousand one, nine eleven.

What a shame!

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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Definition of Irony

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sept 8th Humor Page