Humor Selections for October 23rd, 2006

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Mrs. O'Malley arrived in Boston from Ireland ...

... and in no time at all her bean soup made her the talk of New England society. At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy Charles Street restaurant, an old matron approached Mrs. O'Malley and said, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "The secret o' me soup is that I use but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman said, "Why only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley said, "Because one more would make it too farty."

Submitted by former Mayor Houck, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.  To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. In a desperate hope to solve the problem, the Zoo Keeper approached a local redneck, Bobby Lee with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 24

"With so many politicians being taken down by sex scandals this year, I tip my hat to Wisconsin Secretary of State candidate Sandy Sullivan who has written a book detailing her sexual exploits with multiple members of the Green Bay Packers during the team's heyday in the 1960s. It is so refreshing to see a candidate whose closet has been so thoroughly cleaned out." --Stephen Colbert

"According to USA Today, most of our nation's cities will be unable to evacuate in the case of a major disaster. Washington, DC, received an F as one of the hardest cities to get out of. Unless, of course, you're a Republican in November. Then it's easy." --Jay Leno

"This weekend Ohio Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses -- this is true -- most of Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia." --Jon Stewart

"A strong 6.6 magnitude earthquake hit Hawaii yesterday morning. Pretty scary. President Bush says he wants to do anything he can to help them because he considers Hawaii to be one of our strongest allies. Of course, FEMA was there immediately. Actually, some FEMA had arrived a day earlier to assess the the damage from the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor." --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll about the 2008 election, many voters in Iowa consider Hillary Clinton as their second or even third choice. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'I feel the same way.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Bill Clinton came out in support of the estate tax last week. Clinton said that some people think he should leave all his money to his daughter when he's gone, but he doesn't think he should. He said he should spend it now on other people's daughters when he's still alive." --Jay Leno

"A politician in Denver still wants voters to support him even though a videotape has surfaced of him masturbating. His campaign slogan is, 'Think of me when you're about to pull the lever'." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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And you thought your job was hazardous! Take 5

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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