Humor Selections for October 20th, 2006

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A VIP dies and goes to heaven. The queue to go through the pearly gates is slow

and long, and as he is not used to waiting for anything, he walks to the front of the line and demanded immediate entry.

'Sorry,' says the admitting angel, 'there are no privileges in heaven. Please resume you place.'

All entreaties fail, and as he is about to turn and walk back a Harley roars up, a young guy gets off, picks up a medical bag, and walks straight in.

"Hey" says the VIP, "How come a punk like that gets in without waiting, and I've got to stand in that stupid line?"

The angel smiles. "Oh him? That's just God playing doctor."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Real Tombstone Inceptions

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

Anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

And, Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:

Office upstairs

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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John is the kind of guy you love to hate.

He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.  When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"  He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood." Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life" I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

 "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything.

 'Yes, I replied.'

The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 23

"It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046." --Amy Poehler

"Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your plug is covered in guacamole." --Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror

"There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse. Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'" --Bill Maher

"Yesterday, (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was in Chinatown here in L.A. where he gave a little speech, encouraging immigrants to try to assimilate into mainstream American society [on screen: Schwarzenegger saying, 'You have to become part of America, and that is very difficult for some people to do -- especially, I think, for Mexicans]. This is a guy who still can't pronounce the name of the state he runs." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democrats accused Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag for saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill Frist is ready to give up. Remember, this is the guy that thought we could still fix Terri Schiavo." --Seth Meyers

"Yesterday, Hastert defended himself by saying he had no idea what was going on. Hey, don't laugh. It worked for President Bush." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Piano Guy ... I don't know who this guy is, but if you never downloaded a video before, this one is well worth it!  Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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And you thought your job was hazardous! Take 4

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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