Humor Selections for May 3rd, 2006

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In between watching sporting, hunting & fishing shows a couple weeks back ...

... my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smartass.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Strange "Dumb" Quotes:
  • "This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time." - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
  • "During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails." - AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian
  • "Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there." - Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster
  • "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
  • "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." - Bill Peterson, football coach
  • "The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
  • "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border.

Checkpoint Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts with disbelief "Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry five persons".

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law"

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!".

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A guest of a resort hotel in a tourist area walked in the dining room ...

... where breakfast was being served. The guest sat down at a table and called a waiter to take his order. "I would like two eggs, over easy, one with the yolk overcooked and rubbery and the other undercooked with the yolk broken and running out on the plate. I would also like some sausage that has been grilled and set out on the plate to get cold, burnt toast that has also

grown cold that it crunches and crumbles into nothing at the first bite, and butter that has been in the freezer so that it is impossible to spread, and a pot of coffee that is lukewarm and very weak."

The waiter busily scratched down the guest's order and said, "This is a very complicated order, sir. It might be difficult to deliver it exactly as you have requested."

The guest replied, "But I had that exact breakfast here yesterday!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Gas Prices - Take 4

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May 1st Humor Page