Humor Selections for May 1st, 2006

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Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

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An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish." So the Indian asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

The littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff. "

The old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion, was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.

REMEMBER Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

Submitted by Jim, formally of Emmitsburg, Md.

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More from the wicked wit of the Devil's dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
  • SAW, n. A trite or popular saying, or proverb (figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.
  • A man is known by the company he organises.
  • A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.
  • A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
  • Better late than before anybody has invited you.
  • Example is better than following it.
  • Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else.
  • Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
  • Least said is soonest disavowed.
  • He laughs best who laughs least.
  • Strike while your employer has a big contract.
  • Where there's a will there's a wont.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa

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Gas Prices - Take 3

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