Humor Selections for April 28th, 2006

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Perks of Being over 50
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • No one expects you to run--anywhere.
  • People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won't wear out.
  • You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
  • You can live without sex but not your glasses.
  • You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
  • You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with elevator music.
  • Your eyes won't get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Submitted  by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework.

A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After another year, though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."

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Recent Quips from Late Night Take 7

"Today is tax day. Which is a nice change of pace. We can skip one day of getting screwed at the gas pump to get screwed by the IRS." --Jay Leno

"The White House annual Easter egg hunt is this weekend. The kids, this year, have some extra help because President Bush came out on the lawn and leaked the location of the eggs." --David Letterman

"That shows the difference between administrations - Bush can't control his generals; where as Clinton could never control his privates." --Jay Leno

"Trouble at my house this weekend. Mom got liquored up and started reading from the gospel of Judas." --David Letterman

"A French woman is attempting to become the first person ever to windsurf across the Indian Ocean. It will be the first stunt like this since 2004 when John Kerry windsurfed his way out of the presidency" --Amy Poehler

"Former President Clinton was giving a speech in Washington, D.C. and someone in the crowd yelled out, 'We miss you.' I should mention that Clinton was giving the speech in the champagne room at Crazy Girls." --Conan O'Brien

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

"They say there are something like 12 million illegal immigrants in the country right now, with another half a million coming every year. Remember in the last election when the Democrats claimed there was two Americas? Turns out one of them was Mexico." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More Time Honored Truths

  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  • If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
  • If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
  • The speed of time is one second per second.
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
  • If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
  • It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
  • Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Room 808  Download Video

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Gas Prices - Take 2

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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April 26th Humor Page