Humor Selections for March 3rd, 2006

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A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor told him ..

... that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.

The doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order', make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral.

He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law'.

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, 'of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?'

'Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!'

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More one line witticism on life
  • My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects (Les Dawson)
  • If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to? (Bette Midler)
  • Writing is like prostitution: First you do it for love, then for a few close friends, then for money. (Moliere)
  • Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes (Jacqueline Kennedy)
  • Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)
  • Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it. (Anatole France)
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire (Bernard Shaw)
  • There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out (Mae West)
  • A halo only has to fall a few inches to become a noose (Farmers almanac)
  • A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally (Lillian Day)

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

Just in ... AP reports that in order to combat bird flu, President Bush has ordered that the air force bomb the Canary islands ...

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Lost in translation
  • Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
  • Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
  • Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: Cooles and Heates: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
  • In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
  • In the grounds of a Nairobi private school: No trespassing without permission.
  • In a Mumbai restaurant: Open seven days a week, and weekends too.
  • In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
  • Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a masc. hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
  • A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
  • Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
  • Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • In a Japanese cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves

Submitted by Adrian, England

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How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?
  • Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
  • Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
  • Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
  • Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
  • Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
  • Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
  • Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
  • Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
  • Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
  • Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
  • Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
  • Amish: What's a light bulb?

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Hispanic Shooting Range - Download Video

Submitted by Rick, Melville, Louisiana 

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How to tell a looser ...

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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March 1st Humor Page