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How to identify where a driver is from...
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
- One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: New York.
- One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New jersey.
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
- One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: Los Angeles.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: From montana, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
- One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle.
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
- Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, prairie dog tails attached to antenna: Wyoming.
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
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You Might Be A Horse Person If...
- You get frequent flyer miles without ever being on a plane
- Hay twine is your solution to EVERYTHING
- The only hats you own are a cowboy hat and a helmet
- Your horse’s family tree is more complete than your own
- You are the one stealing all the socks for tail bags
- You cluck to people and other animals to make them move
- You own more bobby pins than the beautician m
- Your dad is concerned about you checking out the body of and flirting with a horse instead of a guy
- You have favorite wheelbarrows, shovels and pitchforks
- Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair on them
- Every paper you write has to do with horses
- You are more interested in the trailer than the cute guy standing next to it
- Your horse’s stall is cleaner than your room
- Your plan your entire social life around horse shows and practice
- The centerfold of your magazine is a horse…. And there is NO swimsuit edition
- You say whoa to the dog
- Your motto is "if you have to ask you can’t afford it"
- You’d pay $200 + for a show shirt but refuse to pay more than $20 for jeans
- Your horse has more shoes than you do
- Your boots and hat are not a fashion statement
- You spend hundreds of dollars on a show for a 95 cent ribbon
- Your horses legs are shaved better than your own
- You are not ashamed to wear a hairnet and enough makeup for twenty people
Submitted by Shannon, Minneapolis, MN
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| A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a Lawer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The Lawer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawer: "Have you any grounds?"
Pole: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Pole: "It made of concrete."
Lawer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Pole: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Pole: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Pole: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Pole: "No, I always up before her."
Lawer: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
Pole: "She going to kill me."
Lawer: "What makes you think that?"
Pole: "I got proof.
Lawer: "What kind of proof?"
Pole: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, MD.
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| Another Tech Support call from hell ... "Hello."
"Yes, I cannot get this program to accept my data."
"What type of error message are you receiving?"
"Error message. I am not getting an error message."
"Did you download the software program from the website?"
"Software program?"
"Yes, the program mentioned in Step 1 of the email message you received"
"Oh, yeah that email. Well, I just went down to the bottom of the email message. I used the password and downloaded the data. I am now trying to input my data and it won't accept it."
"Pull up the email message."
"Ok. Wait a minute. Got it."
"Now looking at the email message do you see Step 1 and Step 2?"
"Yes."
"Did you do Step 1, loading the software program?"
"No. You mean I need to start with Step 1?"
"Yes. Unless you start with Step 1 and download the program you cannot update information because the program is not there to update it for you. That is why the email lays out step by step what to do. So if you do Step 1 first followed by Step 2 you can then input
your data."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
Submitted by Rick, Louisiana
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How Microsoft Tech Support really works
Submitted by Bill of The Willys
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Feb 27th Humor Page
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