Humor Selections for March 24th, 2006

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A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to ea t, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads No.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Police aren't perfect, but this cop comes close to winning the ingenuity award.

A driver did the right thing, stopping at the school crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' license plate holder, the 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk and the 'My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter' decal on your back window.......

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.

"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wanted to go to the Olympics ...

... but when they got there they realized they didn't have anywhere near enough money to get in. The Scot, ever inventive, said "Look, lads, we can get in for nothing if we're competitors. All we have to do is find something that we can show the officials as being part of our sport, say the the country we represent, and in we go."

They agreed it was the only way, and set out to get some gear. They couldn't afford to buy any, but at the back of the stadium they saw the workmen had not cleared away the extra bits used for the barriers.

The Englishman got a bright idea, and picked up a length of spare metal pipe, going to the gate and saying, "I'm in the English Javelin team." They told him to go ahead.

The Scotsman arrived with a large round chunk of cement, told them he was a Scottish shot-put entrant, and in he went too.

Finally the Irishman arrived with a roll of wire mesh from a barricade over his shoulder.

"Where are you from, what are you competing in?" asked the official.

"Irish. Fencing." was his terse reply.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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