Humor Selections for March 13th, 2006

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I would like to thank everyone who sent me notes of condolences on the death of my horse, Lt. Worf.  They all touched me deeply, and for that I thank you all. I think it safe to say, you all must be animal lovers ... as typified by one note, which summed up the nature of all the rest:

"The sad part about being a human, is we almost always outlive our animal friends.  Even the best dog is 20 to 25 yrs.  Parrots can live  along time, but even they have limits.  When you get a pet or an animal, you go into knowing your time is short.  Sometimes, it is shorter than we expected.  But we just have to enjoy the time we had and be glad for the impact and love they bring."

Thanks again, your notes helped more then you can imagine. 

Mike Hillman

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. ...

...  So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!

"Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.

Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.

Submitted by Dianne, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 2
  • The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
  • "Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew Jackson, who was never heard from again. Oh, wait [picture of the $20 bill]." --Jon Stewart, on Sen. Russ Feingold's motion to censure President Bush
  • "First Lady Laura Bush said she started exercising when she married President Bush because it was already part of his lifestyle. Isn't that nice? Yeah, that also explains why she stopped reading." --Conan O'Brien
  • "In a remarkable speech over the weekend, Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt recommended that Americans store canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when bird flu hits. What? This ranks right up there with "duck and cover" during a nuclear attack. In case of radiation wear a hat. Powdered milk and tuna? How many would rather have the bird flu?" --Jay Leno
  • "It was the same old script. The president said, Hey, let's take the time to gather the evidence and discuss this reasonably. And the electorate said No, our mind is made up in advance. Even an ask questions first, shoot later type like Bush is no match for fear mongers who try to relate everything to the war on terror. And you know who you are, everyone but the president." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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We have all been asked how many people of various kinds does it take to change a light bulb ...

...  but here's a different question: How many light bulbs do people of various kinds need? Here's some.

  • Politicians: None. They use their aide's torches.
  • Religious leaders: None. They believe a light in the sky illuminates them.
  • Film stars: One. They wear it on their head; it's always lit, never needs plugging in.
  • Columnists: They prefer the streets to be lit so they can find a subject, but they'll do it anyway.
  • Cartoonists: Two. One on their desk, one in their mind, the latter switching on the former.
  • Presidents: None. They are the light, and it's never changed. (Even when it's stopped burning)
  • Engineers: One. Specifically, the one at the end of the tunnel.
  • Dancers: One or more, providing they're fantastic.
  • Fund Managers: One. Providing it's bright enough to obscure what's unsaid.
  • Physicists: Who cares? They can always find another photon.
  • Pop stars: One a day.
  • The glamorous: One, provided it's UV
  • Middle management: None. They're used to working in the dark

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Trunk Monkey - take 3 - Download Video  

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Hunting With Dick Chaney - take 3

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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March 19th Humor Page