Humor Selections for June 9th, 2006

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Happily maintained  by the Community of Emmitsburg, MD.

Help us build our joke and story bank.
E-mail us at:

When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV...

..., his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.)  

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated  remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning, the  bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on  Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's  ashes remained. And there was this note. It said:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus  blow, so we wasted Hoochie.  Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have  a nice day."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

Return to: Top of Page, List of Funny Stories, My Little Sister's Jokes,

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

Return to: Top of Page, Groaner Joke List, My Little Sister's Jokes,

Tryouts for Parents of 10 year old Soccer Players ... Please Read Information Carefully

It's tryout time again, and as the title suggests, we’re looking for a few good parents to join our program. Teams will be selected based on the following criteria:

100 Yard Equipment Carry: Load the back of an SUV with 16 balls, 12 bicycle flags, one first aid kit, one bag of 44 scrimmage vests, one bag of cones, binder, and clipboard. This tryout activity evaluates a parent's willingness and ability to help the coach carry equipment from the parking lot to the field. Scoring (add/subtract all items which apply): +5 for carrying all the equipment to the actual field site, +3 for carrying approx. half the equipment, -2 for carrying equipment to the edge of the field but not to the location where the team will be training, -3 for dumping equipment just past the edge of the parking lot, +3 for carrying equipment without asking, +1 for asking "Need any help?", -10 for just walking by without asking or helping.

Goal Moving and Tent Construction: Equipment needed: Goals, tent and accompanying hardware.

Activity: Parent must move goal to requested area on field without soliciting the help of coach or players. If damage is incurred to field, -5pts. Second task, parent must assemble and raise the team tent in the shortest amount of time.

Variation (for advanced parents only): include additional unnecessary rods, nuts, bolts and other strange shaped hardware. Have parent assemble while wind machine is at the "Hurricane force" setting on the dial.

Direction Finding: Equipment needed: Printed directions to the location of a field in another city.

Activity: Parents must navigate to the specified field and arrive there by a set time. Points given for arriving there on or before the designated time. Points subtracted for arriving late or receiving speeding citations.

Bonus points given for noting the locations of a Laundromat, soccer equipment store, pizza parlor, ice cream store, and fast food facility near the field.

Variation (for advanced parents only): Deliberately introduce a typo in the directions, such as a game time of 2:00 AM, or "drive on Front Street for 11.4 miles" (instead of 1.4 miles).

Equipment Lineup: Distribute sports bags, water bottles, balls randomly in a 20 x 20 area. All equipment is marked with players' last names. On a given signal, the parent is to line up all the sports bags, left to right, by player last name. The corresponding water bottle and soccer ball is to be placed at each longitudinal end of the bag. Record the time. Style points given for neatness and cheerfulness. Points deducted if water bottles not matched correctly with bags and anyone notices that fact.

Variation: Line up bags by player birth date or by player genome type.

If tryout time is limited, pair parents up for this activity, though this will make overall scoring a little more difficult. Bonus points if you are paired with your spouse or significant other and are still speaking at the end of the event.

Phone Tree: Equipment needed: A list of phone numbers, a phone.

Activity: Parent is to call each number on the list and convey the fact that Tuesday's practice has been rescheduled to Wednesday, if it has rained 37 mm or more on Monday night; otherwise Tuesday's practice will occur one half hour earlier. Also the snack schedule has been shifted down one on the list.

Record the time required to reach all numbers on the list. +5 points for leaving a message on an answering machine, +3 for talking to an adult, -1 for talking to a non-adult, 0 points if no one answers. Extra credit if parent uses a reverse directory, drives over, pounds on door, and delivers message personally.

Schedule Organizing: Each parent receives a packet post it notes, napkins, envelopes, letters, notices, etc., each one containing information regarding soccer game and practice schedules, birthday parties, other athletic schedules, music lessons, school events for a player and his/her siblings. The parent must arrange all events in chronological order by sibling. Bonus points: +1 for using different colors for each sibling, +3 for assigning which parent has drop off / pick up responsibility for each event, +5 for forming a car pool schedule with other parents, -100 for complaining out loud about what a mess the soccer schedule is, -200 for getting together with the other parents to try and rearrange the soccer schedule to make it more convenient for the parent.

Sideline Behavior: Equipment needed: Virtual reality goggles, 3D body scanner.

Preparation: full 3-D body scan of each player, conversion of same into computer generated character.

Activity: each parent will be viewing a computer generated soccer game. The players in the game will include their own son or daughter, whose likeness has been scanned and made into a 3-D image. Each parent will be viewing a slightly different version of the game than that viewed by other parents. Players may suffer hard fouls, referee calls and non-calls, verbal taunts from opposing players and teammates, make brilliant plays as well as bonehead plays, score the winning goal, give up the winning goal, etc.

Evaluation: Observe parent reaction and verbal comments to the various events which occur during the course of the game. Pay particular attention to comments regarding the quality of coaching. Pass-Fail only.

Snacks: Equipment needed: Assortment of fruits, juices, candies, cookies, power bars, etc.

Activity: Parent must assemble a post-game snack from the above list of items. Points awarded based on nutritional content, how appetizing, and presentation. Points subtracted based on potential negative effects on players in the second half of the game, lack of nutritional content, and propensity to litter the environment.

And my personal favorite...

Gift Selection: Activity: Parents vie to produce the most elaborate, most expensive, and best gift ever for team coach.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

Return to: Top of Page, List of Sports Jokes, My Little Sister's Jokes,

How they weed out the stupid ones.... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

Return to: Top of Page, List of Audio/Videos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

You are a South African bush pilot.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, and then enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back up to the cool, high blue yonder. On the way back to your plane, you discover that the only bit of shade, within 1 mile, has become very popular.
You start calculating the distance to the plane door and wonder, "Do I feel lucky today?"

Submitted by Geoffroi

Return to: Top of Page, List of Photos, My Little Sister's Jokes,

June 7th Humor Page