Humor Selections for June 5th, 2006

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A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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Getting the point across ...

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Universal Truths:
  • Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  • At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  • One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
  • Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  • You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  • Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  • You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  • You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  • The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  • Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
  • Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  • Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  • Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  • You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  • Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  • You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Money ... It can buy you a House, But not a Home ....
  • It can buy you a Bed, But not Sleep.
  • It can buy you a Clock, But not Time.
  • It can buy you a Book, But not Knowledge.
  • It can buy you a Position, But not Respect.
  • It can buy you Medicine, But not Health.
  • It can buy you Blood, But not Life.
  • It can buy you Sex, But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.  A truer Friend than me you will never find.

Cash Only, Please!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Gas prices take 13

Submitted by Tim, Acton, Ohio

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June 2nd Humor Page