Humor Selections for July 28th, 2006

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I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow ...

... and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I said that the dog food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

(By now, practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind the woman I was talking to.)

Horrified, she asked if the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had been sitting in the street scratching fleas and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.

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Cynical Meanings
  • Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
  • Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
  • Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
  • Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
  • Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
  • Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
  • Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
  • Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
  • Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
  • Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
  • Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  • Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 15

"This morning the Vatican weighed in on the crisis. The Vatican came out and condemned Israel's attacks on Lebanon ... which is great, because all day yesterday, the Jews and Muslims were asking, 'What do the Catholics think?'" --Conan O'Brien

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

"According to an AP poll, 66% of people say it is okay to lie under certain circumstances, to which the oil companies said, 'That's what we've been trying to tell everybody.'" --Jay Leno

"A whole lot of turmoil this week, so let's get right to it. Starting as always with ... the Middle East. This week, the area's usual subconscious depression collided with storms of violent anger moving on from Israel on up to Gaza and straight on up through to Lebanon. By the way, if you're in the Mid-East, this is your 6,021 straight week of seething rage, and guess what guys? That's a new record, breaking the old mark of 6,020 weeks set by you last week. ... Moving on over to the East, a severe crazy front [on screen: picture of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il] could move into nearby Japan as a cloud of crippling fear" --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey declared a crime emergency in that city. He said crime is out of control. He says it's caused mainly by two rival gangs -- the Republicans and the Democrats. ... It's gotten so bad now that Ted Kennedy won't go to a liquor store after dark." -Jay Leno

"President Bush had a phone conversation with the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien

"Last year the U.S. Army missed it's recruiting goal. But this year not only did they meet their goal, they exceeded it. They got 80,000 recruits. The bad news is all 80,000 of them used their connections to get in the Texas National Guard." --Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Simon Says ... Download Video

Submitted by Eric, long Island, NY.

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Redneck Grill

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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July 26th Humor Page