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I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog
Chow ... ...
and was in line to check out. The
woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I
was starting the Purina Diet again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect
diet and that the way that it works is that you load your pants pockets
with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry. I said that the dog food is nutritionally complete, so I was
going to try it again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I had lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
(By now, practically everyone in the line was
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind the
woman I was talking to.)
Horrified, she asked if the dog food had
poisoned me. I told her no; I had been sitting in the street scratching
fleas and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
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Cynical Meanings
- Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
- Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
- Lecture: An art of transferring information
from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without
passing through "the minds of either."
- Conference: The confusion of one man
multiplied by the number present.
- Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in
such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
- Dictionary: A place where success comes
before work.
- Conference Room: A place where everybody
talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
- Classic: A book which people praise, but do
not read.
- Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things
straight.
- Office: A place where you can relax after
your strenuous home life.
- Yawn: The only time some married men ever get
to open their mouth.
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A teenager lost a contact lens while
playing basketball in his driveway.
After a fruitless search, he told his
mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens
in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 15
"This morning the Vatican weighed in
on the crisis. The Vatican came out and condemned Israel's attacks on
Lebanon ... which is great, because all day yesterday, the Jews and
Muslims were asking, 'What do the Catholics think?'" --Conan O'Brien
"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and
the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming?
Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a
plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman
"According to an AP poll, 66% of people say it
is okay to lie under certain circumstances, to which the oil companies
said, 'That's what we've been trying to tell everybody.'" --Jay Leno
"A whole lot of turmoil this week, so let's get
right to it. Starting as always with ... the Middle East. This week, the
area's usual subconscious depression collided with storms of violent
anger moving on from Israel on up to Gaza and straight on up through to
Lebanon. By the way, if you're in the Mid-East, this is your 6,021
straight week of seething rage, and guess what guys? That's a new
record, breaking the old mark of 6,020 weeks set by you last week. ...
Moving on over to the East, a severe crazy front [on screen: picture of
North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Il] could move into nearby Japan as a
cloud of crippling fear" --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
"Washington, D.C. Police Chief Charles Ramsey
declared a crime emergency in that city. He said crime is out of
control. He says it's caused mainly by two rival gangs -- the
Republicans and the Democrats. ... It's gotten so bad now that Ted
Kennedy won't go to a liquor store after dark." -Jay Leno
"President Bush had a phone conversation with
the astronauts aboard the space shuttle. The odd thing is President Bush
was the only one wearing a space helmet." --Conan O'Brien
"Last year the U.S. Army missed it's recruiting
goal. But this year not only did they meet their goal, they exceeded it.
They got 80,000 recruits. The bad news is all 80,000 of them used their
connections to get in the Texas National Guard." --Jimmy Kimmel
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Simon Says ...
Download Video
Submitted by Eric, long Island, NY.
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Redneck Grill
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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July 26th Humor Page
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