Humor Selections for February 13th, 2006

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer ...

..., "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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So you have had trouble with your neighbours? Can't stand then, in fact?

Well, now that you've found out that they are moving, here's some bon voyage lines you can send them:

  • It would have been nice not knowing you
  • Have a bad one
  • We'll really miss you -not
  • Life will never be the same without you. Now we can get some sleep.
  • Thanks for all the things you haven't done. What you did was enough.
  • Please keep the chainsaw. Use it on someone else.
  • You have really been the best - at adding dis to orderly.
  • You qualify as the junk in the mailbox.
  • We'd love to have you visit - here's our address in Siberia.
  • So you're going to a new neighbourhood? Remember - their loss is our gain.
  • Goodbye - we hear Alcatraz has an excellent school.
  • The crime rate has gone down, thanks to the number of times we had to call the cops.
  • Thanks for being such bad neighbours. I worried so much I didn't have to diet to lose weight, didn't have to add extra bran to my food, never had to buy alcohol (there was always enough in the air), always knew the latest hits, and going to work became a lot more pleasurable.
  • Goodbye, and good luck in terrorizing some new neighbors.
  • You're moving? Please don't touch a thing. We'll clean it up. (Horror films start shooting in a week)
  • Goodbye and bad luck.

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.

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Investment Tips for 2006

For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal, the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/K-Mart wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

  • Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
  • Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and ! become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
  • 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood
  • Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
  • FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
  • Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild
  • Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants
  • Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Feb 10th Humor Page