• Read less.
• Put on at least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Watch more TV.
• New Years Resolutions
• Procrastinate more.
• Drink. Drink some more.
• Start being superstitious.
• Spend more time at work.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

and last but not least...

• Take up a new habit!

• Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."  -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
• Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
• Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
• By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
• I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
• Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

"A new poll shows that one in five Americans believe they can't trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie." --David Letterman

"Here's an interesting lawsuit. A judge has ruled that because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that's unfair. The government doesn't discriminate against the blind. Hey, isn't that who led us into Iraq?" --Jay Leno

"They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought ... unlike getting us into Iraq." --David Letterman

"President Bush today completed what he called 'a listening tour.' He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon -- all the people he should have met with before the war" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is kind of scary. The new head of the House intelligence committee, Congressman Silvestre Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations. He didn't know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, didn't seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently, the term 'intelligence committee' is just a suggestion." --Jay Leno

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.