Humor Selections for Dec 29th, 2006

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New Year's Resolutions you can actually keep!

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! :-)

  • Read less.
  • Put on at least 30 pounds.
  • Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  • Watch more TV.
  • New Years Resolutions
  • Procrastinate more.
  • Drink. Drink some more.
  • Start being superstitious.
  • Spend more time at work.
  • Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

and last but not least...

  • Take up a new habit!

Submitted by Dory, Pittsburg, Pa.

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Miscellaneous quotes
  • Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself: "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."  -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
  • Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
  • The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
  • Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
  • Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
  • By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
  • My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
  • I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
  • My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
  • Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
  • I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
  • Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
  • I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
  • I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
  • Don't worry about avoiding temptation; as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
  • Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 29

"This week a top general at the Pentagon said the War on Terror could take a 100 years to fight. President Bush was furious about the 100-year prediction and said, 'Stop setting a fixed timetable'" --Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that one in five Americans believe they can't trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie." --David Letterman

"Here's an interesting lawsuit. A judge has ruled that because all paper money feels the same, the government discriminates against the blind. I think that's unfair. The government doesn't discriminate against the blind. Hey, isn't that who led us into Iraq?" --Jay Leno

"They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought ... unlike getting us into Iraq." --David Letterman

"President Bush today completed what he called 'a listening tour.' He met and pretended to be listening to various people from the State Department and the Pentagon -- all the people he should have met with before the war" --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is kind of scary. The new head of the House intelligence committee, Congressman Silvestre Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations. He didn't know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, didn't seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently, the term 'intelligence committee' is just a suggestion." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life ...

...  the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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One-liners about aging ...
  • Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
  • Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
  • The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
  • I've sure got old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.
  • I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
  • An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
  • My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
  • It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
  • These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
  • Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Are you someone who typically gives or receives lottery tickets during the Christmas holidays? 

Perhaps some additional thought is required.  Download Audio ...

Submitted by Tim, Toledo, Ohio

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Women drivers of the year ...

Tenth Place

Ninth Place

Eight Place

Seventh Place

Sixth Place

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Dec 25 Humor Page