. . . with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway. 

• If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat & presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
• Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
• Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
• For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
• A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over & going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
• Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
• Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 & Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

• In the first book of the Bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree, Noak's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
• Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
• Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Getitol.
• The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
• When the Tree Wise Guys from the east Ide arrivd the found Jesus in the manager.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St. John the blacksmit dumped waer on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained that man doth not live by sweat alone.
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
• St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

• It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. (Jerome K. Jerome)
• Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more. (Mark Twain)
• When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. (Winston Churchill)
• I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
• I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. (Groucho Marx)
• Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others." (Groucho Marx)
• All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. (Alexander Woollcott)
• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. (Mark Twain)