Humor Selections for September 13th, 2005

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An Aussie, with his pet on a lead, walks into a bar in a Texas town, sits down and orders a beer.

Pretty soon a beefy Texan strolls up and asks if his dog could fight, because he looked pretty fierce,

"Sure," says the Aussie. "He's won a few, ain't scared of nothin'"

"Ya wanna try him out against my pit bull?" asks the Texan. "He's good, I can tell you he aint never lost one yet."

"Yeah, why not. You bet on these things?"

"Sure do. Wanna put up some cash?"

"Well... 500 OK?"

With a blink and a grin the Texan drawls "Sure. Why not."

So they hand their money to the barman, go out back to an enclosure, the scarred and aggressive pit bull is put in, the Aussie lifts his pet in, and with one snap he's got the pit bull clean in two halves.

The Texan cannot believe his eyes. "Say, what kind of dog you got? I ain't ever seen anything like that. I gotta get me one a these!"

As the Aussie and his pet walk in to collect the money, he says with a grin. "Him? Why we call 'em crocodiles."

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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The Procrastinator's Creed
  • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3
  • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
  • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
  • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.

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Which tree are you? ....

Which tree does your birthday fall under?

December 23 to January 1 Apple Tree
January 2 to January 11 Fir Tree
January 12 to January 24 Elm Tree
January 25 to February 3 Cypress Tree
February 4 to February 8 Poplar Tree
February 9 to February 18 Cedar Tree
February 19 to February 28 Pine Tree
March 1 to March 10 Weeping Willow Tree
March 11 to March 20 Lime Tree
March 21 Oak Tree
March 22 to March 31 Hazelnut Tree
April 1 to April 10 Rowan Tree
April 11 to April 20 Maple Tree
April 21 to April 30 Walnut Tree
May 1 to May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 to June 3 Ash Tree
June 4 to June 13 Hornbeam Tree
June 14 to June 23 Fig Tree
June 24 Birch Tree
June 25 to July 4 Apple Tree
July 5 to July 14 Fir Tree
July 15 to July 25 Elm Tree
July 26 to August 4 Cypress Tree
August 5 to August 13 Poplar Tree
August 14 to August 23 Cedar Tree
August 24 to September 2 Pine Tree
September 3 to September 12 Weeping Willow Tree
September 13 to September 22 Lime Tree
September 23 Olive Tree
September 24 to October 3 Hazelnut Tree
October 4 to October 13 Rowan Tree
October 14 to October 23 Maple Tree
October 24 to November 11 Walnut Tree
November 12 to November 21 Chestnut Tree
November 22 to December 1 Ash Tree
December 2 to December 11 Hornbeam Tree
December 12 to December 21 Fig Tree
December 22 Beech Tree

Apple Tree, the Love Of slight build. Lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination

Fir Tree, the Mysterious Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

Elm Tree, the Noble-Minuteness. Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Cypress, the Faithfulness Strong. Muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless.

Popular, the Uncertainty Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.

Cedar, the Confidence of rare beauty. Knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Pine Tree, the Particularity Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

Weeping Willow, the Melancholy. Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

Lime Tree, the Doubt Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and labor, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal.

Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary. Charming, undermining, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

Rowan, the Sensitivity Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Maple, Independence of Mind. No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Walnut Tree, the Passion. Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

Chestnut Tree, the Honesty of unusual beauty. Does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

Ash Tree, the Ambition. Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent l over, sometimes brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

Hornbeam, the good taste of cool beauty. Cares for its looks and condition, good taste. Tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgment, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom
happy with his/her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very consciences.
Fig Tree, the Sensibility. Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

Oak, robust nature. Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Birch, the Inspiration. Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does Not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Olive Tree, the Wisdom. Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids Aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Submitted by Patty, Leasburg, Va.

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President Bush demonstrates one should never let a little disaster ruin your vacation ...


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