Humor Selections for September 9th, 2005

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Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory ...

... along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and a testicle.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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At long last our president really explained his Social Security Reform Proposal very clearly  ...

... and in some detail. I finally understand it.

Woman in Audience:

"I don't really understand. How is it the new plan is going to fix the problem?"

Exact verbatim response:

President Bush: "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red."

Submitted by Wink, The Bronx, NY

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A man had just finished reading the book "Man Of The House" ...

... while making his commute home from work.  By the time he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing his finger in her face, he said "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The Funeral Director would be my guess," said his wife.

Submitted by Sandy, Branson, Missouri

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Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.

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