Humor Additions for May 6th 2005

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The young mother set her foot on the path of life.

"Is this the long way?" she asked.

And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children," A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.

And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can wa lk alone, and their children after them."

And the children said, " You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space...not even death!

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Notable saying from Mother-in-laws of famous people
  • Paul Revere's mother "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
  • Mona Lisa's mother "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
  • Humpty Dumpty's mother "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Nooo!"
  • Columbus' mother "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
  • Michelangelo's mother "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
  • Napoleon's mother "All right, napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
  • Custer's mother "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
  • Abraham Lincoln's mother again with the stovepipe hat, abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
  • Barney's mother "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
  • Batman's mother "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"
  • Goldilocks' mother "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
  • Little miss Muffet's mother "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your Tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
  • Albert Einstein's mother "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
  • George Washington's mother "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
  • Jonah's mother "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
  • Superman's mother "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
  • Thomas Edison's mother "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.

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Reflections on mothers written by kids ...

What’s the best thing about your mom?: She loves and cares for me.

Describe the world’s greatest mom: The world’s greatest mom is kind and beautiful, which is my mom.

Why did God make mothers?

  • So they could multiply.
  • As helpers to dads.
  • So kids could have someone to love.

If there were no moms, then no one would love us (except dads) and I wouldn’t be born.

  • How did God make mothers?
  • By power.
  • He just made them.

What is the difference between moms and grandmas?

Grandmas are old, pruney people, but moms are smooth and don’t have a lot of lines. Grandmas can barely walk, moms can run.

Submitted by Kate, Austin, Texas

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The following was written by Audrey Hepburn concerning "Beauty Tips":
  • For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
  • For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
  • For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
  • For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
  • For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
  • People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anybody.
  • Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
  • As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others. 
  • The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. 
  • The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, And the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!

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Thinking of dating or marrying a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:
  • Easy to Locate: She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.
  • Upholds the double standard: Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.
  • Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.
  • A social butterfly: Provided another horsey woman gives the party. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.
  • Economy minded: Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.
  • A culinary perfectionist: Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.
  • Occasionally amorous: But never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.
  • Easy to outfit: No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tack store.
  • Features a selective sense of smell: Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
  • Unmistakable in a bathing suit: She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists
  • A dedicated club woman: as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.
  • Has your leisure at heart: Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
  • A master at multiplication: She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.
  • Keeps an eagle eye on the budget: Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars on tack, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.
  • An engaging conversationalist: Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.
  • Socially aware: Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
  • A moving force in the family: House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)
  • Easy to please: A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
  • Sentimental fool: Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
  • Shows her affection in unusual ways: If she pats you on the neck and says, "You're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

Submitted by Natalie, Damascus, Md.

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 Picture by Brent and Jan LeBaron

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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May 4th Humor Page